Widowed at 16.....

I have very few memories of my infant years,one of them is the visits to the doctors.My pediatrician was also the doctor that delivered my mom during me and my younger sister.Actually he was more or less like a family pediatrician + Gynecologist ,almost all of my cousins were born there.I used to love to go to the doctors,since i was always a healthy child. I always passed in all my check-ups and got a sweet candy for being good.

Once I remember mom took me to the hospital and I thought it was a regular check up, so I was excited to get my candy, but instead the doctor came out with a big injection.I freaked and started shouting and running around.As I tried to get away from the doctor I ran into an old lady.She held me and told me that I will not even feel the pain if i do as she said.Miraculously I didn't feel any pain and from that day whenever i had to see the doctor I wanted that good nurse in the room with me.

Its only later that I found out that she was actually related to me.This lady was my Grandfather's older Sister.No wonder I felt so comfortable ,she was my grandaunt after all.Since then I remember her being there for every birth in my Family,she would stay in the room with the mother to be and personally take care of the new baby.With her as the Head Nurse in the hospital ,all of us knew that we would be taken care of.Whenever we entered the hospital my mom would go looking for her before the doctor.

As I  grew up I learned more about this sweet,helpful lady.Like she lived in the hospital itself, and she was a very important nurse there.I also learned although she did not have any formal education in the field, she had gathered a lifetime of experience and became very good at her job.But the only thing I never learned about her was her name,I always knew her by her Family title "Tai Atya"( Elder Sister + Aunt~ dads elder sister). 

At around 13,I went to see my new born cousin sister.As I entered the room I saw a thin old lady holding a beautiful little princess. I was so delighted to see the new baby that i ran and sat next to them.Tai-atya told me that she was the first one to hold me too and i was just as cute.Almost shy I looked up and smiled,i was amazed to see how old she had gotten and the stress of life had caught on to her.On the way back home I asked mom about Tai Atya in detail,who she was actually,where was her family ,her own house.What mom told me was shocking ,cause until then I was never exposed to the fact that there were people who were struggling, even in my Family.

It was the first time in life that I felt the pain of being a woman.


Her story goes ...

Born in a struggling household ,in difficult times of early 1900,in one of India's oldest town called Pune. She was the second eldest among 10 siblings. My grandfather being the 3rd.This was the time of the British Raj .The whole family lived in a "Chawl"(old style apartment complex) in the  buzzing area of the city called "Kasba Peth". 


One person earning and 10-12 mouths to feed.The requirement far surpassed the income,thus making it necessary even for the kids to make sacrifices.The girls were easy pray,their education was stopped to keep the boys in school.As if that was not bad enough ,these girls were married off young.In her case at the tender age of 12,the groom was 20 years her senior.By the time she was 14 she was pregnant with her first child and the second followed a year later.At 16 she had 2 children  and a house hold of which she was the care taker.

These were dark times,outbursts of contiguous disease was a common happening.Many would die,sometimes from the same family.In one such outburst TaiAtya's husband took ill.She tried everything doctor,prayer, superstition etc. to cure him,but as fate would have it he lost his battle to the illness ,leaving his 16 year old wife to support 2 kids.She took her two kids and moved back to her mothers house who's hands were full as it is.She did odd jobs to support herself but she knew as the kids grew up she would need more to survive and with the growing needs of her parent's family she could not live there forever.

She found a job in a start up hospital as a helper.The doctor taught her all the work and she worked there as a nurse. Realising she needed to stay long hours to make more money TaiAtya made the decision hard of letting the kids live with their grand parents and she lived at the hospital.From hear her life was full of turmoil,hardship and struggle.She worked long hours to put her kids through school,then settle them and got them married.All this with none or very little help and support of her Family.Her kids grew up,got educated and then married.They wanted their mom to live with them in their house.First time in many years, TaiAtya had a House she could call her own.A family to take care of her.Even then she did not leave her job and kept working , till she was old and could not work any more.

In her Life time she saw a lot of pain and got very little help ,financial or emotional,she on the other hand only gave "Good news " to her family.She was the first to know when any one from our family was pregnant or the one to bring out the news about the birth of the newest addition.She took care of all of us with love and responsibility as an elder family member ,not just a nurse.

Today TaiAtya is no more,all that remains is the memory of her smiling face. I often think about her life and feel sad that a women from my family went through so much. She was only 16 when she was widowed ,she was still a child herself.Why didn't her family get her married again ? Did she have to live such a tough life?

Once after gathering enough courage I asked my grandfather,if he ever considered to get her married again?He was surprised and I could see the pain in his eyes,he said~ he himself was 13-14 when this all happened ,old enough to understand the pain and still young not to be able to help her.As time passed it became normal to see her like that and even he became entangled in his family and the freedom struggle.Adding ,he said the times were so tough that supporting oneself was a fight, leave alone the rest of the family.There were sisters,daughters in every household going through the same circumstance. Even if he want her to remarry ,she herself or the society would never permit it,so he said it was easier avoid the topic.~.I could only estimate the intensity of the social pressure ,since if my grand father, a freedom fighter who faced the the British ,could not turn the society's opinion on widow remarriage,it must have been bad.I could see the pain I had caused him by my question,he was quite for the next few days,almost depressed.I realised I could not stand in the 2005 and judge a Family's actions in the early 1900's.These times were almost decades apart,might as well be centuries. SO my Grandfathers helplessness was understandable.
But What I could not understand was ,how we as a society be so cruel and force a person to live a life of trouble,struggle and sadness because of the Gender?If only she had been a man ....could her life be different?Every society,western or eastern,has countless such stories of women,with minor changes here and there.

How many TaiAtya's must have lived this life of misfortune?Spent an entire life time following ridiculous social rules which did nothing to improve quality of their  life.An entire lifetime spent in sadness and full of sorrow ,when it could have been spent in happiness.What did the society gain by making these women feel worthless or by pushing them in the circle of hardship from which they could never rise.To make matters worse, they were not even supported by this society ,not even emotionally. Widows  were treated like outcasts,sometimes by their own family.Not allowed to participate in festivals,or functions,all this due to no fault of their own.How it must have hurt?!!How much pain these sadistic practices must have caused . These poor soles,with their hearts bleeding with ever strike made by society, many times by the hands of their own family.Why could no one see them as Human Beings,who need just as much love and support as any one else?

I apologize to you TaiAtya,as a women from your blood line on behalf of others before me. You suffered in silence but with a smile.I never could see beyond that smile.All I can do is Promise you not to be a part of a society that makes people within it feel inadequate,not to suppress the weak  ,not to pass blind judgement on someones life .I promise to be open minded and see people as Human Beings with needs rather than just a "Relation".Try to be a voice and stand up  for the sisters who can't speak for themselves.I promise not to follow any customs or traditions that hurt someone else . 
 Lastly I promise to never forget you for the great women that your were ,a Hero.You stood your ground,found your way and lived your life by your rules.You almost effortlessly accepted your situation,made peace with the society's ways and found you own path within the frame work.You did not give up and made yourself independent in the face of such adversities.You were in all sense a career women,who unknowingly with your example made it possible for women like me to dream of a life beyond the bondages of the Household. 


So thank you TaiAtya for being such an inspirational  Role Model!!!

By Snigdha

World famous in America ??!!

Today the LA Lakers beat the Boston Celtics,what a win!! Amidst all this joy and celebration,the true sprite and culture of America came out.

All the time the world wonders how come the Americans don't have a clue about what the rest of the world looks like? I have personally met people who don't know where India is located and I must admit it was offensive.Outwardly it seems that Americans don't care of what happens in the world,they are arrogant towards different cultures and oblivious of their history. And it might be true to a certain extend,but thats it.

Need. The most important parameter in any action is need. In case of Americans,they had no need of world interaction.They are basically immigrants from different part of the world,who left their countries for whatever reasons and came to America,where they created a world for themselves.A world that was influenced by, but also independent of their homelands. They created their own Culture,own History,own Heroes so on and so forth.No body can deny that this country was build by its people and their hard work.While the whole world was gloating over its 1000's of years of history and its long gone Heroes,young America was building its future and giving birth to its Heroes.America had no time to learn about the world, she was busy building one for herself.

We could better understand a everyday american by understanding his choice of Sports.Even though America plays many sports on international levels it is safe to say that the true love(or loves)of an Average American  is Basketball &/or Baseball &/or American Football (not necessarily in that order). These games are played locally in America.Now the rest of the world is exposed to each other widely thru sports, take cricket for example.For any Indian cricket  is religion and major cricket has always been played internationally,hence educating the general public in cultures and ways of all its opponent countries.But in case of America they are satisfied with their locally played games and enjoy the format.They like to call their national champions "World's best" without actually checking with the world,since for them America is their World.And that is what they do with most of their publicity, hence "World Famous in AMERICA".

The attitudes are changing,perspectives are widening and the need to know is growing,here in America. Americans are trying more than ever to acquaint themselves with all aspects related to world.The current generation is giant steps ahead in global awareness and respect our parts of the world more the us.They have aligned themselves with the pace at with the world is coming closer and are trying to put their hand forward.Its is up to us the, old cultures to shake off our egos and welcome their gesture.
I believe the day will come come when in america "world famous" will mean globally recognized.


By Snigdha

Thankyou Dad

Dear Papa,
Its been soooo many years since I first played in your arms,but the memory is still strong.
I remember every moment with you since they were the happiest and most precious
I remember falling asleep in you lap and you picking me up and putting me to bed,u'd say goodnight and kiss my forehead.
I remember you clapping & laughing ,every time I sang the nursery rhyme ,and i sang them atleast a 1000 times.
Hanging from your shoulders pretending you were the jungle gym ,fighting with neha so that I could get the seat next to you where you sit...
I still remember your hug was the safest place in the world for me ,
How we would come to you when we broke something before mom came to know.
Did you know the only person in the world who could tickle me is you ?
I remember waiting by the window to be the first on to greet you when you came back home
Missing you so much when you went out for work ,looking at you pictures till you returned...
Really believing that you were stronger than Superman (actually I still do )
I remember I never had to wait for a thing i wanted,even if mom said no, you always fell for the face :)

What I don't remember is "how you made it happen?"
Your smile,kindest eyes, honest expression  and warmest heart ...How did you keep it all, going thru this rough world?How come you never let us feel any of the hurdles you faced? both of you stood between the world and us ....
I am married now and will soon have children of my own , dad,if my child feels half of what I feel for you, I would consider myself to be a successful parent.

Thank you Dad for giving me a lifetime of memories....Happy Fathers Day.....My Hero....Love you.

Yours LiL Girl
Snigdha...

" Nickel and Dime " : The way of american Business

"They charged my account 18 $!!" said my husband as he read the mail for that day.
"Why?" I asked .
"Some late charges.But I paid on time,I don't understand" he replied.
This conversation was like deja vu .Since I came to US overcharges or hidden costs or wrongful penalties on the bills were a way of life.Since Chetan (hubby) keeps close tabs on his bills and scrutinizes ever detail,we have caught these practices at least 10 -12 times before and know what should be the next step.
Call the customer service and get it fixed.The companies are as efficient at reverting the charges as they are at putting them in.The same drill every-time,we call and question,they answer,try to stall ,apologies and then finally remove the charges.
One grows tired of such ridiculous tact tics and wonders if they think people are morons.

Later on when I thought about it in detail it became clear to me and felt like sharing it with all of you,so that we can safeguard ourself from such malpractices.Since we are all honest people,making an honest living legally without coning or misusing the law,we are entitled to our hard earned money for us and our families.

Lets take an example of a big bank. Consider they overcharge 20,000 people spread all over the country with a 10 $ fee in the same month. Half of these people realize and call and get their 10$ back.Rest either procrastinate or don't get time or don't even realize or feel 10$ is not just worth it or hang up since it takes too much time to get through to the customer service. SO the Bank get 10,000 * 10 = 100,000$ for no reason. Now if the public realizes and takes them to court or media ,the big bank just apologizes or calls it computer glitch.Though there are laws to protect public from such practices,how many times are these practices caught?
This is an simplified example on a small scale and a corporations  obviously work in a more sophisticated manner than this. But the effect is still the same,we get Charged!!

Another real life example.A purchase was made for renovation work in a home form a famous construction material store.The store had a 1 year no payment no interest scheme if one got their credit card. Every time a purchase was made the customer verbally confirmed if the scheme was still valid for that purchase and every time the answer was "yes".This continued over a period of 20-25 days.Now the customer gets bills every month and is relaxed that he had 1 year to make the payment.Suddenly 6 months into it a 800$ interest @ 30% on the original amount is applied.Its shocking!! Then the phone calls start,every time he gives the same explanation and they say its been fixed and the next week another phone call for the same reason.Its frustrating!! So he goes to the store and after been shuttles between 3-4 people he finally get the reason why this is happening. When the purchases were make the store made a mistake and did not include certain part of the purchase in the offer and hence the problem was created.Now the manager asks the customer to pay that much money and he will waive the interest.But in principle its wrong and the customer does not budge.Finally the manager fixes his mistake. What if the customer would have been intimidated and paid the money he does not owe for the next 6 months or worse also paid the interest too? The gist is, if you know you are right ,then don't be intimidated,hold your ground.

So I urge all of you to please pick up that phone and get your money back,even it the just 1$.In fact we should make a call even if we are at fault and ask of a pardon and reversal  if possible.After all they have other fees and charges that they are taking openly,so why should we let go of our money, if we can save it. This is not just for banks,but any institution which offers credit..Specially us Indians are very new to the whole credit system so be careful and vigilant.Don't pay the bill blindly.Read it,study,understand ,talk to someone if you don't,ask a lot of questions,try to get them to waive fees you think are unfair.Only when you feel satisfied and comfortable make the payment.

Its after all its our money and we are entitled to every last penny.

Marry the Rapist !!!

Chief Justice K G Balakrishnan on Sunday called for respecting "the wishes of a rape victim to marry the rapist"

How many Hindi movies have we seen when a character gets raped and then the circumstances are made such that she invariable marries the rapist and during the course of the movie he dramatically realizes his mistake and changes into a good person,almost like a Phoenix rising from Ashes.

Wake up people,it does not happen in real life. People don't change their personality so drastically, and past is most of the time a good measure of a person's character.Specially if the offences is so repulsively disgusting.
How could a girls safety and happiness be guaranteed if we push her to marry the one man she has the most danger from?

There are very few things in life which  are clearly black and white and this,according to me,is one of them.
How can a victim of rape choose with her own free will to marry her own rapist? Will it not remind her of her torture over and over again,it would be like the rape lasted for her entire life.
First of all, will a raped women,living in India, have a free will? Secondly, is she emotionally & mentally ready to make such a decision? Lastly,as a society should we condone such a practice?

Even if the Above statement,by Balkrishnan is taken out of context, it is pathetic that  a Chief Justice would make such a careless choice of words.Social circumstances should not dictate law,Law should be free of any religious & social dictation.

In our society there are so many practices that are inhuman and wrong but socially accepted, since they make sense and serve the purpose of few.Hence there is a legal system to stop such offences.Its due to this legal system that we are able to bring Sati practice to justice,even if the women had consented.
According to the above argument of Balkrishnan, Sati should be also allowed if the women wants to burn with their husbands,that way no one will trouble her later and the police and judicial system will not have to protect them.Another quick fix for our honorable Chief Justice. What say Sir?

Is Fat Funny?

I was watching a Hindi movie the other day and a "comedy" scene came on. The hero was making fun of a fat guy. The whole shared went on for nearly 10 min. and it was supposed to be funny but I found it offensive. As time went on i started to scrutinize the media, both Indian and American for such "Comedy sequences" and almost in all cases the jokes were to the limit of being cruel. The jokes we play on fat people are almost offensive to the limit it can crush someone’s spirit. The media portraits these slim and trim people as beautiful that it becomes a social crime to be fat or overweight. It almost drives a person to insanity.
Once when was driving to college in India, I saw a family on a bike. The man riding, a kid in-between and the women behind, this woman was obese. A few young men on their bikes behind them were making fun of the way the women’s behind looked on the bike. They made jesters that made my skin crawl, but the women could not see since they were behind her. It was so repulsive and scary that each time I sat on a bike I made sure I wore a long jacket. Having fun at the cost of a person's looks and discarding one as people is immature.
When whole Shoaib Malik and Sania Mirza controversy came to light about his alleged wife, people almost discredited the wife's claim because she was fat and hence ugly(I am not supporting the wife but just using one parameter of the situation as an example. Since this parameter is very real in the scene of social opinion).I was stumped, how ridiculous is that? What is the society who judges and rejects a spouse’s claim over the other half because of the shape, size, and looks? That is not a social prerogative its individual choice. If a person chose to be with a person knowing what the other person looks like that’s the end of the matter. Marriage is more about personality than looks, looks makes it easier to start loving a person but a bad personality can totally over power looks. This is the same society that makes a woman with her husband even though he is abusive, alcoholic and disrespected.

Health on the other hand is a perfectly good reason to be fit, and every person should take it seriously. I still want to lose the 35 pounds I have accumulated over the past 2 years, I will feel proud once I do, hell I will post pictures of my before and after on the same blog because “I want to” .I will advice my friends on losing weight and tell my family to be fitter because “I care about their overall health” . Making cruel remarks about the weight is wrong even if it makes people laugh.
Same is true about non- English speakers, challenged people, little people etc.
“Joke is funny until everyone is laughing at it and is cruel when everyone is laughing at someone.”

Just us sisters,no brother,any problem?!!!

Something very funny happened the other day. A potential proposal for my younger sister was suggested.
We are a family for 4, My parents and us two sisters, very close and extremely protective about each other. To me my sister is like this little toy that came in my life when I did NOT want her. She would really irritate me and I used to try to get rid of her. In school I would tell her not to bother me and stay away from me by making up these crazy rules. At home we would fight till blood was drawn. With time she became smarter and knew what buttons to push. She was sneaky just like the Fox, I on the other hand remained like the unchallenged king of the forest , strong but straight forward. Our relation changed over time and from fighting for the remote we started fighting over clothes, shoes, mess, car but our love for each other had snuck up upon us too. We had developed this unspoken bond that was difficult to break. In retrospect, I was always protective about my Fox. I would check on her in school thru her class mates, at home fill her time table, iron her uniform and protect her from bullies. I mean she was a small girl who never got beat up in school, I don’t think anyone had the guts to touch MY SISTER.
Obviously thru all of this the two of us never missed not having a brother, but I guess people around us knew better. They soon started asking my mom, why she had stopped at 2 girls. Though our parents never let us be affected but these comments, since luckily they were also of the opinion that girl or boy does not make a difference.

That is a brief background of the part my life relevant to this blog and I continue with the incidence that happened.

The father of that potential proposal was not too happy about the fact that we had no brother. His theory was, girls from families with no boys would not bare boys. When I came to know of this unfortunate individual and his family it made me was so mad that i would have kicked him in is butt had I been there. When my sister came to know of this she was just as mad and we asked mom not to even consider a meeting.(this was all before the first meeting)

Now it triggered an unshakable feeling with me. I have been thinking about this over and over again .Why is my society in which a goddess is as important as the god, a girl and her existence is tied around a male figure, Dad->brother->husband->son what about Mother->sister->daughter. I am not a misandrist. I love my dad and husband, their position in my life is irreplaceable but my mom and my sister are just as important. Moreover how can some arrogant man just negate a person’s qualities because she has no brothers and the society just stands and watches? I personally want to ask everyone, does this make any sense to their intellect and if not that why are we hanging on to this stupidity?
In today’s world a girl can do anything a boy can and this is just not a talk sake sentence, any idiot can see it around in society. So than why are we still fostering these beliefs? Just throw them away.
Why do girls parents have to pay the whole wedding expense, does the grooms side of family have no self respect?

A boys family actually thinks its their right to demand, which is so ridicules. Think about it if you treat the bride's side with anything but equality and respect, will the girl be able to forgive her husband and will it not cause a rift between them? It is almost a practice to be disrespective towards the girl’s family and make sadistic fun of them before, during and after wedding. This is so disfunctional.
When this incidence happened we sisters discussed if we really missed on having a brother the conclusion we came to was unanimous, we would have it no other way.

We have only one thing to say to the world,
Yes, Just Us Sisters, no brother, any problem?!!!

I don't See Color

I am originally from India. There are no colors there, in terms of skin. But that does not mean there is no discrimination. All my life I suffered from a dark girl syndrome.

Dark Girl syndrome

It’s when girls are socially tormented because their skin color is darker than other girls of the same race.

Society in general is partial towards the fair girl. What is worse is that women propel this psychology. Fair girls get an easy pass in life regardless of qualifications (generalization).
Darker girls are actually looked at as a liability and many times verbally taunted. Yes I have gone thru all of this!!!!

How I got thru this you ask? I gave a rats ass, to what people thought. They came to me and told me to use fair and lovely (a skin lightening bleach cream) I asked them if there was something for their personality in the market? But being sassy took a lot out of me since by nature, I am a very sensitive person .Most of the time I used it as a defense to cover for the hurt. I knew what they were saying was just stupid but it did hurt. As I grew up I thought of how the other girls survived this mental torture, since most of the girls have a dark skin in India.

The Fair girls would hop around actually believing all the crap people were feeding and looking down upon the darker girls. I mean what a stupid topic to waste time upon and to think girls face this issue while growing up, it’s so cruel. Any way I believe in the philosophy "Life is not fair"

So when I came to The USA and saw such a variety in terms of color, I was surprised and thrown off balance. My whole view of beauty and its components were challenged. What surprised me was how much the society I grew up in had affected me. In spite of my total rebellion on the color issue I was still programmed to judge beauty by color and one of the reasons, I realized, I never thought of myself as good looking. I could not see past color. There were so many questions that I asked myself to align me to the changed atmosphere. It was crazy, how a stupid thing like color affected me. Then I realized it was just a cultural shock that I was feeling.

I love my family and respect the society that I was brought up in. It gave me a lot of positive things but like all societies there are underling things that need to be changed and this ridiculous obsession with color is one of the things my society has to change. This change, I thought, will come if individual changes. That means I had to change and it was very easy for me. I looked for what makes a person beautiful instead what makes them look ugly. That was it, suddenly everyone around me was beautiful and shape, color, features just did not matter.

One day I went out to do my grocery and after a long time out, I realized something

I DON'T SEE COLORS .......it felt as though I finally fit in.

Change

Just was going thru these social networking sites and came across the topic " about me" where people write about themselves.Here we wright about our motto,belief or personality in short.What got me thinking was the time line in which these were written,for example me,I created these profile at least 10 years ago and edited them may be 5 years ago.SO is my personality the same as I described in that statement 5-10 years ago.
The statement to me is a point of reference today, from where I was with all the experience then and the changes I went thru since,I mean a lot has happened since then, I must have changed.

Re-evaluating some of my statements "Live and Let live" : still holds very strong but the difference is then I was trying to send a message to my MOM and today I have to read it and remind myself of it.Then I genuinely did not care if someone did drugs but today its a society issue....I have never been a Moral police but ya, time, marriage taught me one thing Life is not a stand alone machine its a networked system,virus on ur system can corrupt data on others.

The purpose of this Blog was to help loosen rigidity,one should not go thru life thinking change is wrong ,specially when world around is continuously changing.Life happens for a reason. so that it can have an effect on us,no matter how hard we fight it, experience does change our thinking and this change is a sigh of being alive.