Widowed at 16.....

I have very few memories of my infant years,one of them is the visits to the doctors.My pediatrician was also the doctor that delivered my mom during me and my younger sister.Actually he was more or less like a family pediatrician + Gynecologist ,almost all of my cousins were born there.I used to love to go to the doctors,since i was always a healthy child. I always passed in all my check-ups and got a sweet candy for being good.

Once I remember mom took me to the hospital and I thought it was a regular check up, so I was excited to get my candy, but instead the doctor came out with a big injection.I freaked and started shouting and running around.As I tried to get away from the doctor I ran into an old lady.She held me and told me that I will not even feel the pain if i do as she said.Miraculously I didn't feel any pain and from that day whenever i had to see the doctor I wanted that good nurse in the room with me.

Its only later that I found out that she was actually related to me.This lady was my Grandfather's older Sister.No wonder I felt so comfortable ,she was my grandaunt after all.Since then I remember her being there for every birth in my Family,she would stay in the room with the mother to be and personally take care of the new baby.With her as the Head Nurse in the hospital ,all of us knew that we would be taken care of.Whenever we entered the hospital my mom would go looking for her before the doctor.

As I  grew up I learned more about this sweet,helpful lady.Like she lived in the hospital itself, and she was a very important nurse there.I also learned although she did not have any formal education in the field, she had gathered a lifetime of experience and became very good at her job.But the only thing I never learned about her was her name,I always knew her by her Family title "Tai Atya"( Elder Sister + Aunt~ dads elder sister). 

At around 13,I went to see my new born cousin sister.As I entered the room I saw a thin old lady holding a beautiful little princess. I was so delighted to see the new baby that i ran and sat next to them.Tai-atya told me that she was the first one to hold me too and i was just as cute.Almost shy I looked up and smiled,i was amazed to see how old she had gotten and the stress of life had caught on to her.On the way back home I asked mom about Tai Atya in detail,who she was actually,where was her family ,her own house.What mom told me was shocking ,cause until then I was never exposed to the fact that there were people who were struggling, even in my Family.

It was the first time in life that I felt the pain of being a woman.


Her story goes ...

Born in a struggling household ,in difficult times of early 1900,in one of India's oldest town called Pune. She was the second eldest among 10 siblings. My grandfather being the 3rd.This was the time of the British Raj .The whole family lived in a "Chawl"(old style apartment complex) in the  buzzing area of the city called "Kasba Peth". 


One person earning and 10-12 mouths to feed.The requirement far surpassed the income,thus making it necessary even for the kids to make sacrifices.The girls were easy pray,their education was stopped to keep the boys in school.As if that was not bad enough ,these girls were married off young.In her case at the tender age of 12,the groom was 20 years her senior.By the time she was 14 she was pregnant with her first child and the second followed a year later.At 16 she had 2 children  and a house hold of which she was the care taker.

These were dark times,outbursts of contiguous disease was a common happening.Many would die,sometimes from the same family.In one such outburst TaiAtya's husband took ill.She tried everything doctor,prayer, superstition etc. to cure him,but as fate would have it he lost his battle to the illness ,leaving his 16 year old wife to support 2 kids.She took her two kids and moved back to her mothers house who's hands were full as it is.She did odd jobs to support herself but she knew as the kids grew up she would need more to survive and with the growing needs of her parent's family she could not live there forever.

She found a job in a start up hospital as a helper.The doctor taught her all the work and she worked there as a nurse. Realising she needed to stay long hours to make more money TaiAtya made the decision hard of letting the kids live with their grand parents and she lived at the hospital.From hear her life was full of turmoil,hardship and struggle.She worked long hours to put her kids through school,then settle them and got them married.All this with none or very little help and support of her Family.Her kids grew up,got educated and then married.They wanted their mom to live with them in their house.First time in many years, TaiAtya had a House she could call her own.A family to take care of her.Even then she did not leave her job and kept working , till she was old and could not work any more.

In her Life time she saw a lot of pain and got very little help ,financial or emotional,she on the other hand only gave "Good news " to her family.She was the first to know when any one from our family was pregnant or the one to bring out the news about the birth of the newest addition.She took care of all of us with love and responsibility as an elder family member ,not just a nurse.

Today TaiAtya is no more,all that remains is the memory of her smiling face. I often think about her life and feel sad that a women from my family went through so much. She was only 16 when she was widowed ,she was still a child herself.Why didn't her family get her married again ? Did she have to live such a tough life?

Once after gathering enough courage I asked my grandfather,if he ever considered to get her married again?He was surprised and I could see the pain in his eyes,he said~ he himself was 13-14 when this all happened ,old enough to understand the pain and still young not to be able to help her.As time passed it became normal to see her like that and even he became entangled in his family and the freedom struggle.Adding ,he said the times were so tough that supporting oneself was a fight, leave alone the rest of the family.There were sisters,daughters in every household going through the same circumstance. Even if he want her to remarry ,she herself or the society would never permit it,so he said it was easier avoid the topic.~.I could only estimate the intensity of the social pressure ,since if my grand father, a freedom fighter who faced the the British ,could not turn the society's opinion on widow remarriage,it must have been bad.I could see the pain I had caused him by my question,he was quite for the next few days,almost depressed.I realised I could not stand in the 2005 and judge a Family's actions in the early 1900's.These times were almost decades apart,might as well be centuries. SO my Grandfathers helplessness was understandable.
But What I could not understand was ,how we as a society be so cruel and force a person to live a life of trouble,struggle and sadness because of the Gender?If only she had been a man ....could her life be different?Every society,western or eastern,has countless such stories of women,with minor changes here and there.

How many TaiAtya's must have lived this life of misfortune?Spent an entire life time following ridiculous social rules which did nothing to improve quality of their  life.An entire lifetime spent in sadness and full of sorrow ,when it could have been spent in happiness.What did the society gain by making these women feel worthless or by pushing them in the circle of hardship from which they could never rise.To make matters worse, they were not even supported by this society ,not even emotionally. Widows  were treated like outcasts,sometimes by their own family.Not allowed to participate in festivals,or functions,all this due to no fault of their own.How it must have hurt?!!How much pain these sadistic practices must have caused . These poor soles,with their hearts bleeding with ever strike made by society, many times by the hands of their own family.Why could no one see them as Human Beings,who need just as much love and support as any one else?

I apologize to you TaiAtya,as a women from your blood line on behalf of others before me. You suffered in silence but with a smile.I never could see beyond that smile.All I can do is Promise you not to be a part of a society that makes people within it feel inadequate,not to suppress the weak  ,not to pass blind judgement on someones life .I promise to be open minded and see people as Human Beings with needs rather than just a "Relation".Try to be a voice and stand up  for the sisters who can't speak for themselves.I promise not to follow any customs or traditions that hurt someone else . 
 Lastly I promise to never forget you for the great women that your were ,a Hero.You stood your ground,found your way and lived your life by your rules.You almost effortlessly accepted your situation,made peace with the society's ways and found you own path within the frame work.You did not give up and made yourself independent in the face of such adversities.You were in all sense a career women,who unknowingly with your example made it possible for women like me to dream of a life beyond the bondages of the Household. 


So thank you TaiAtya for being such an inspirational  Role Model!!!

By Snigdha